Nothing in cinema offends me more than a bad war film. 

Nothing.


I could simply caution you against watching it, but it’s a bit late for that, and I needed to vent my spleen — so I decided to get creative with my review…


WAR HORSE — CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE




1. It’s 1914, and you’re a struggling Boer War veteran and farmer from Devon, England. You need a workhorse to plough your field so you can pay your evil landlord rent. You go to the livestock market. Do you:

a) spend all the money you have in the world on a flashy thoroughbred colt just because your evil landlord wants it

or b) remember that war is on the horizon, and times are going to get even tougher, and what you actually need is a workhorse?




2. Ok, so you picked a). You’re an idiot. You’ve now realised that you’re an idiot, and you’re in a fit of drunken rage. Do you:

a) shoot the horse

or b) sell it to someone, anyone, to make back at least a little of your lost money?




3. Damn, you picked a), but luckily your warm-hearted, slow-witted son stopped you. So now he trains the horse, and teaches it to plough (what a miracle), and loves it with all his warm, warm heart. But you still have no money, and war is here, and your evil landlord is going to kick you out.

You decide to sell the horse to the cavalry, your son is devastated, but who cares, the horse is the protagonist, so let’s move on the next stage in the story and the next question.

Let’s say you’re an English Major in the cavalry. You’ve probably never seen action, but you went to officer school and you have a moustache, so you know everything there is to know about modern warfare. You’re planning a mounted assault on a German camp. Do you:

a) go for it

or b) remember that machine guns have been invented?




4. You picked a). Well done, most of your men are dead and you’re now a POW. But again, who cares, the horse is the protagonist. Next question.

Let’s say you’re a young German soldier who just acquired some horses from an unfortunate battalion of English cavalry. Do you:

a) speak English

or b) speak German?




5. Woah, you chose English? That’s a bit weird, but I guess all your fellow Germans seem to be speaking English — never mind the fact that I can read subtitles, don’t insult my intelligence —

So, you’re a young German soldier, and you’ve made a pact with your 14 year old brother who enlisted with you to protect him at all costs. He gets called up to the front without you, but you hatch a plan to flee with him on those horses you found. Do you:

a) sneak away together in the dead of night

or b) wait until your brother is marching away in the morning and then haul him onto a speeding horse right in front of his entire battalion?




6. Whoops, you picked b). Congratulations, you and your brother have been shot for deserting. Never mind, we stay with the horse, which has now made it to occupied France.

Now, let’s say you’re a French farmer. Europe is in the grips of total war, but you’re doing ok — you’ve got a giant garden of vegetables, you make shit-loads of strawberry jam, and the colour-scheme of your house is warm and inviting. Your granddaughter just found a couple of abandoned horses, but she has a bone condition, and shouldn’t be allowed to ride. Do you:

a) hide a saddle from her in a secret compartment under your floorboards because she’s wilful and is determined to ride

or b) fill the secret compartment under your floorboards with food because there’s a fucking war on and your country is occupied and the German army is undoubtedly going to pay you a visit in need of supplies?




7. Oh deary me, you picked a). Now you have no food. And now the horses have been reclaimed by the German army, and are being used to cart artillery, presumably until they die.

Suppose you’re a German soldier in charge of the artillery-carting-horses. Damn, Germany is losing, and your side is retreating. You lead the horses away, but the Allies are hot on your heels. Do you:

a) stop to feel sad when one of the horses can no longer walk

or b) get the fuck out of there?




8. You picked a). You were nearly run over by an Allied tank. As was the protagonist-horse, but he escapes and runs out into no man’s land.

Ok. You’re an English soldier in your trench. You see a horse out in no man’s land tangled in the wire. Do you:

a) go out to rescue the horse 

or b) stay the fuck put because you don’t want to die?




9. For some unfathomable reason, you picked a). You reach the horse, but lo and behold, you didn’t bring any wire cutters with you, you fucking imbecile. Luckily, a German soldier has been stupid enough to leave his trench to free the horse as well, and he brought wire cutters. You have a chat while you set the horse free. Do you:

a) behave in an exhausted and emotionally ruined manner because you’re at war

or b) say the premise of the film, aloud, in actual dialogue, in no uncertain terms:

“They’re made for running, horses. Runnin’ away from danger.”

“Running away is all they have.”

“Yet we taught ‘em opposite. Running into the fray.”

“War horse.”





10. You picked b). You have just committed one of the most annoying and unintelligent crimes a film can make. But hey, you have a horse now, you’re laughing. And what are the odds! The farmer’s son from Devon who raised the horse is in your regiment! He gets blinded by mustard gas, and is sent back with the wounded, but you and the horse join up with them. The doctor wants to shoot the horse because its leg is wounded. Do you:

a) gather solemnly around the horse with the rest of the regiment as an officer readies to shoot it — until the blinded boy from Devon hears its whinny, and calls to it, and you all part in silence to allow them to be reunited —

or b) fuck this. Fuck this. I’m done.




Some other stuff happens, and, in the spirit of all the stuff that came before, it’s stupid. Ultimately, boy and horse go home to Devon, silhouetted by a sunset so glorious that everyone touched by it is saturated bright orange.

Then credits.




Now, let’s say you’re a 21-year-old female who loves war films more than she can describe, and took a risk on War Horse because of Spielberg’s credits (Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, Flags of our Fathers, Letters from Iwo Jima, Band of Brothers, The Pacific).

You’ve studied screenwriting, and you’re hard to please, but you’ve lowered your standards because you know War Horse is going to be no Saving Private Ryan.

Well, you were right. Not only is it no Saving Private Ryan, it’s easily the worst war film you’ve ever seen, and you’ve seen oodles.

You are:

a) furious, but content just to let it go.

b) so furious you feel the need to mock the film online, and proclaim to all who’ll listen that this was indeed 66 million dollars that would’ve been better spent on anything else.




Fuck you, Spielberg. You’ve done some things lately I didn’t care for (War of the Worlds, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Transformers, Cowboys and Aliens,The Adventures of Tintin), but this takes the cake. With all those skills and all that money at your disposal, you are not allowed to make a war film this terrible. 

Also, who the fuck was this movie aimed at, huh? Let’s break this down using stereotypes, as any producer would:
It’s not aimed at women. Women don’t like violence.
It’s not aimed at men. Men don’t like animal movies.
It’s not aimed at families. Parents don’t take their kids to war movies.
And it’s not aimed at the elderly, or history-buffs, or cinephiles, because there aren’t enough of them in the world to make a 66 million dollar film break even (speaking of, HOW DID THIS FILM BREAK EVEN?) —

And it’s certainly not aimed at horses, which I’m thankful for, because this film is an insult to every war horse that ever lived and died, not to mention the soldiers and people around them.

Oh, and Spielberg? I just noticed you’ve agreed to Indiana Jones 5.

You’re dead to me.


*kicks over soapbox*